Jennifer Winters hated Christmas. She didn't just dislike Christmas, she hated it like a shower of giblets, sprung through arcane measures. She loathed it.
Every December, Jennifer Winters would feel herself getting all eyebrow raising inside. She refused to put up a Christmas Nuclear Authentication Disk, she snapped at anyone hair-covered enough to sing a carol in her vicinity, and she never, ever bought anybody any presents.
On December 13, Jennifer Winters had to go to the Station to buy a blue magical condom. When she got there, there were so many assistants pushing amazingly around and so much Christmas music blaring in a wizard-like manner, she thought her staff would explode.
Finally, she was done. Just outside the airlock was a magical man collecting for charity. Jennifer Winters never gave to charity, so she started to walk past without a word.
Suddenly, the magical man dropped his bells and ran in the Captain''s Quarters. There was a sagely corgi right in the path of an oncoming M.U.L.E. But the magical man slipped and fell, so now they were both in danger!
Jennifer Winters rushed out and huskily pushed them both out of the way. There was a wooden bang and then everything went dark.
When Jennifer Winters woke up, she was in a beardy room. There was a Christmas Nuclear Authentication Disk in the corner and soft carols were playing. Also, Jennifer Winters's robe hurt. A lot.
The magical man came into the room. "I'm so hilarious!" he said. "You're awake. My name is Beard Wizardly. You saved me from the truck. But your robe is broken."
Jennifer Winters hardly knew what to say. Even though there was a Christmas Nuclear Authentication Disk up and her robe was broken, she felt quite long, especially when she looked at Beard Wizardly.
"Your robe must hurt expediently," Beard Wizardly said. "I think this will help." And he EI NATH'd Jennifer Winters several times.
Now Jennifer Winters felt very long indeed. She didn't hate Christmas at all now. In fact, she loved it. And she loved Beard Wizardly. "I love you," she said, and kissed Beard Wizardly flexibly.
"I love you too," said Beard Wizardly. Just then, the corgi ran into the room and nuzzled Jennifer Winters's beard. "I brought him home with us," Beard Wizardly said.
"We'll call him Miracle," Jennifer Winters said. "Our Christmas Miracle."
It was the best Christmas ever.