i eat myself i eat myself i eat others i eat people i should kill someone i eat opeople i eat people murderous intent i eat people i eat people i eat people i eat people eat food eat food eat food had nachos eat food what if i died would someone care who would be at my funeral my thoughts what is this game should i be here how do i get motivation to do good how do i kill him is my hatred justified should i die who would care is my hatred justified or am i just trying to justify my feelings towards being abandoned my father will die he will overdose my mother will die of old age i will be alone and sick and cruel who am i really so many thoughts go through my head and i cannot understand them what should i do i go to therapy but say everything is fine because i cant put what im feeling into words i was happy with her until the first aruement where she wanted more things i didnt have shes such a spoiled brat or am i just saying that because of my many personalities i do not know of do i subconciously manipulate people? i feel like i do i feel like i destroy peoples emotions and lives just for my benefit but it doesnt benefit me should i go? i couldnt save my best friend she slit her wrists she is in a necklace my necklace that i have i miss her she loved me she wanted to talk to me everyday will is insane and was abused and i cant keep up with his problems its so overbearing and sometimes i just want to spit out the meanest things possible to him do i really love him? i think i just pity him why do i have to be such a people pleaser? you know if i didnt read that fucking stupid book i wouldnt be in this spot i wouldnt be fucked up i wouldnt have been taken advantage of i wouldnt have fucked up i wouldnt have given up do i have hope? do i want to be here? all my friends pity me do they really love me? i hate lying to them but i have no choice. people like me are just insufferable. kids will grow up worse than me and that scares me. my childhood will be nothing but memories of terrible things i did. what even keeps me going anymore? why am i still here? Should i be here? all the times i have come and gone and people dont care to remember me maybe that is for the best should they remember me? i have a massive ego yet i have a small one. should i have one or should i know myself as a worthless being. i feel like Josh when he would type out those suicide notes. why am i writing this here maybe i should have an online journal. what would people think of me? should people think of me or am i just insane? who am i really? i subconciously hide myself behind so many layers of lies and simple untruths that i dont know who i am or how i truly feel. maybe i will go insane maybe i will die maybe i will feel that force of the train hitting me that i long for. Why do i hate people better than me? i dont make any effort to do any better or them i just want everyone to like me why cant they? My thoughts are here these are my thoughts maybe i will feel better when my antidepressant kicks in and this is all out. i dont want to lie to my friends but without that all so imporant lie i have no friends. what would my mom think of me if i told her what i have been up to and what i have done for the last 5 years of my life? 5 years wasted manipulating people just for pleasure. these are my thoughts this is me this is who i am i just pray i do not end up like my father i dont want to be him i dont want to be anyone else but me but i still try to be everyone else why? why cant i understand myself and understand why i feel these things. why cant i understand why i hate people. Who am I really? Will i ever know?
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